I want to know what it all means know who I am and know what I need I’ve got A’s and B’s it’s Friday night, I deserve a drink this 2-hour class where no one wants to think we deserve a drink I’ll check my phone for the plan Charlie’s got one Charlie, he’s always the man get your ass back to the room, every Friday he’ll tell me it’s just what we do hospital lights and the tile floors wrappers and cans, all my books in my drawer ask them what’s the score pull up a chair, the pizza’s cold you crack one open, we keep checking our phones we’ll scroll and scroll get the text like every time where we’ll go, Charlie you’re the guy a few shots and I’ll feel fine change your clothes, fix your hair you lighten up when there’s no need to care no need, no need to care no, there’s no need to care no one cares everybody knows Charlie when we walk in no direction we all want them to look at us we always want to win no direction Lenny’s sure to make them laugh I have to admit no direction I’m the funny guy of the group down a couple more swigs watch them all laugh, laugh until they scream Lenny’s back boy, an American Pie baby everyone knows, everyone knows me so raise another glass and don’t forget we deserve to drink so drink up, for this life of ours is all but a dream and we have no direction and we have no direction what do we all have no direction what do we all have no direction I provide a poorly timed pickup line you must have fell from straight above two rows in front of mine you’re right, I have no words I can find to say I guess I don’t understand gravity Ashley, I hope you never know I’ve crept all your photos please drag me back to your dorm and rip off all of my clothes I just couldn’t help myself, we have chemistry but you keep reminding me your name is Anna can’t you see Luke, little boys like you no sense of self and no direction so please, just get back safe

I am still just waiting for you I’m still in bed, what else would I do I’m still refreshing my eyes, I’m still refreshing the page and I’m still switching back between apps and still, nothing’s changed still, there are endless reasons still, it could be worse and still, it’s only Saturday, it’s still Saturday I only want me to touch you and I only want you to touch me so why don’t we go grab some coffee, then we’ll be fucking in the bathroom I’m still only lying in my bed and I’d still prefer to have you give me head I still only want me to touch you and I still only want you to touch me these toes, they still won’t stop tapping Abby you know there’s still nothing better to do but still, what would I say I’m still just too, just too anxious and still, she seems like she should know and that’s still something I still need still, I didn’t even want you and I know one day you’ll still want me I still need to spend some time with Danny that’s still a reason to get up and move but I still don’t want Danny to see me this way and I need to still freshen up and change and I still don’t even want you and I know that one day you’ll still want me these toes they still won’t stop tapping Abby you bitch, look at what you made me do oh, these toes they still won’t stop tapping Abby you bitch, look at what you made me do

I’ve been drinking early, now I’m starving, it’s late we’re never a new Saturday night special it’s just Danny and me, we’re nothing special in our unwashed jeans and t-shirts my throats always dry and my head always hurts play a round of zombies and find out what’s new Danny doesn’t think what we always do is special he makes Lenny sing oh Danny, your pipe is calling every night for Porn Hub’s sight why would you say that to me when we’ve all got shit that we don’t want to see Luke, did something happen today of course, Danny, something’s happening everyday something’s happening all the time and I always feel like nothing’s happening because I’m always just coasting good grades, I’m good Luke, you’ve been rejected, come on Abby, she was just being nice and when you’re drunk, they know you’re Lenny but oh Danny, you’re just not that funny and who even knows who you are Luke, you think you’re the funny guy but you’re really just a drunken fool Luke, why would I want to hang out with you when all that you do is talk about you can you tell me Luke that’s real rich Danny shitting on one of the many friends that you’ve made oh wait he stormed out the room and now it’s just me

I was such a dick to Danny, why do I still care so much about Abby? drink more water, your mind’s still racing you’ll talk it through soon, just be patient you know Jane will meet you she has always been there a friend from home, still someone who cares you need to see her and let it out now it’s never too late, so just calm down pour out your heart like a bitch your constant fight or flight don’t waste her time stop staying up all night for she’s got her life more than doomed, drunk, selfish actions no one ever deserves your shit you’re acting like a kid when you look at yourself can’t you even tell why act like these doomed, drunk, selfish actions oh, can’t you see Luke oh Jesus Jane, can you see you’re a clever girl you keep coming after me again for being me, what’s new? don’t turn this on me don’t you see you’re in need just talk to Danny don’t you want relief just say you’re sorry for these doomed, drunk, selfish actions what you’re going through everyone is too this shit isn’t new it’s not only you it’s not only your doomed, drunk, selfish actions this is not only you Luke well Jane, I just listened to you ramble on and on how long, go on for how long, how long must you go on how long, go on it’s all you’ve ever done, so I’m, I’m done go on, I’m done oh I’m, I’m done I’m done, I’m done am I wrong, I’m wrong I’m done, I’m wrong oh am I wrong, I’m wrong I’m wrong, I’m wrong and now I’m alone, all alone I’m alone, I’m alone and it’s morning, it’s morning it’s morning, goodnight

holiday lights light up my room as I take two Tylenol and another swig because there’s no need for bed all that I know is how I feel and how Jane made me feel is like shit God damnit they all say that I should stop so I turn to them and ask what for tell me who decides when I’ve had too much for someone, it’s always too much and my God, you know, we have to drink the doctors tell us water makes us feel right and 70%’s just too much and too bland for only tasteless do you even get to sleep on time do you get out what is on your mind will you do enough to testify for the Lenny show why didn’t The Guys give me the text throw all my thoughts on my desk Jackson Pollock, you know he couldn’t even understand my fucking mess Jane was preaching like her Jesus camp didn’t Jesus, Jane, know better than that and Jane, do you know that I am what I am you don’t see what you want to see do you even really try and do you drink every single night will you do enough to testify for the Lenny show it’s the Lenny show

who the fuck is knocking at my door quickly throw some water on my face I’m still in the same, the same stale bonfire clothes well, well, it’s the prophet Daniel here in the lion’s den so, you’ve stopped by to apologize no need to worry Danny, nbd you see my empty cans and all these half-eaten bags who are you to be judging me no, no, this is about me Luke I eat like shit I went three times to the gym now I’m a hasbeen well, Danny, go to the fucking gym why don’t you just eat more salad keep staying in Luke, I tell that to myself over and over again but, I’m a hasbeen I have no discipline I went three times to the gym and now I’m a hasbeen I reach for a bottle near Danny he then grabs my arm staring scared straight at me this isn’t funny Luke Danny, would you stop trying to father me now here you are again all high and mighty Danny, if you care about me then fucking leave

one more time one more time I’m walking behind Charlie and The Guys cup’s full, a white tab just for mine a classic wink from Charlie’s right eye “fucking love this” said one of The Guys it’s a Steve Madden kind of high playing drinking games under a dim light Charlie keeps shouting and giving me that eye you know, Lenny can make everyone’s night one more, one more time play your part, take another swig play your part, love how you want to live play your part, no direction it’s the way you’ve always been tell a joke, make them laugh, let Lenny be your man everyone’s screaming chug, chug, chug screaming SpongeBob brain’s cracked, I’ve gone numb there’s no way out, Charlie says I’m not done is everyone out there having fun one more, one more time play your part, take another swig play your part, love how you want to live play your part, no direction it’s the way you’ve always been tell a joke, make them laugh, let Lenny be your man but my clothes are drenched, I climb up the stairs find some bushes, quick over there no idea, no sense of time a much-needed puke, God oh why my head’s so heavy and I wish I was with Danny all the jokes, all the laughs so, Lenny could be your man one more time one more time one more time one more time one more time guess I’m now on the ground, my face on the green grass Luke, are you okay, of all the people to say that she’s looking down at me, let’s get up said Ashley I’m sorry Abby, aren’t I so manly I think you’ve got to stop drinking like this Luke well, I’m sorry Abby, I’m not like you I never said anything about being me but I don’t think this is what you want to be Lenny, Lenny, Lenny, Lenny…

I felt the worst I ever felt while Charlie and The Guys are watching the game before they go out I just turned over and pulled the covers over my head get more sleep and then wake up again my phone says it’s 8:10 I finally get up to take a shit don’t move for another 25 minutes then wash my face twice I can’t remember much at-least I got back here safe where Charlie and The Guys will never ask me how they left me there alone for another house they love it too much to miss out I texted Jane, I needed to shower yesterday’s clothes, no soap close my eyes, hot water runs over me meet at our bench, a see-you-soon text is everything okay, Danny asks he saw this video from last night where I look like a fucking fool how could I have known Danny, I didn’t know spilling the drinks, they were flying all over my shirt no wonder Abby said I smell like shit then I think to myself, fuck off Danny I just don’t want to respond delete the whole thing, it doesn’t exist every move I make aches and on top of everything I don’t need this I don’t need this should’ve drank more water should’ve worked out at the gym should’ve done more Luke, you keep on giving in still, I don’t need anyone to give me shit fucking Danny you drink more water you go to the gym you go do more instead of giving in Danny, you own your own shit you own your own shit well Luke, at-least you’re looking better than the vid Jesus, Jane who all has watched it did you hear it from the girls on your floor they said Abby was babysitting me Luke, it’s me, is it something with school no Jane, it’s not school, I’ve got good grades they’re not the ones I should get just enough for my parents to believe that these teachers don’t teach it’s all a bullshit routine it’s really me well Luke, you’re jacking off too much or something Jane, you sure know how to make me laugh did something happen with Danny yeah Jane, we had a falling out again I know what you’ll say Jane Danny, he just wants the best and he’s got his problems too I don’t know what to tell you Luke Jane, I just don’t want to be told all the things that I know yes, I’m fucking up just like everyone else yeah, Danny, he’s got daddy issues take a swig from the flask we just sit in silence fiddling our thumbs you shouldn’t be angry Luke, Danny doesn’t deserve that and Luke, you don’t deserve this do you know that it’s true I know you’re right Jane do you think I’m put together Luke I’m not that put together Luke I’m not Luke I’m not Luke I’m not Luke well Jane, more than anyone I know Luke, those are the parts I let you see we found some swings on a thick rooted tree and so, we took our seats Luke, I was undecided about a year and a half okay, so your point Jane, you did some searching to find that but I didn’t find it Luke, I kept falling and falling and talking wasn’t doing the trick I couldn’t just be happy all I felt was this sickness I knew my roommate, she had anxiety I started feeling more hopeless, too busy for counseling one day, I stole some benzos from her and thought maybe, maybe this will help me I started feeling numb Luke, uncomfortably numb so uncomfortable I, I just stopped and my anxiety sharpened I didn’t want to live some booze and more benzos then I fell asleep hospital lights, the IV in my veins my roommate, she found me and it wasn’t too late Luke I was so fucking stupid, who the hell am I all those who love me, all those in my life I played this what-if scenario for months in my mind still paying bills out of pocket, so my parents wouldn’t know Danny is there for you Luke I hugged her tight

parking garage was empty some late-night stragglers I was just sitting with Jane I’m now pretty drunk at-least I found my car and as I dropped my keys hey Luke, is that you the Guys said we have a plug that skinny, tin-can voice, with a half-assed beard it’s no time for bed past 3am just pour the powder in his hand aren’t you forgetting to pay the man money’s just money why hasn’t this kicked in woah I see my parents in my car watching old standup routines the ones that help dad relax Lenny Bruce is the man he’s showing me how but, is he right for me my mom you’re still a boy these things shouldn’t be seen and Ryan my brother he’s reading How To Talk Dirty to me the conscious objector in our family that’s what he’s trying to be so funny, filthy and honest so funny, filthy and honest Ryan you’re so much more than this so much more than this Ryan please don’t look up to me don’t look up to me please don’t wash, rinse and repeat don’t wash, rinse and repeat don’t wash, rinse and what’s wrong with me I was still driving then all of a sudden, I wasn’t driving and now I’m just crying look up and see the front of some house must be close to campus what now I have to puke no Lenny, not in the car drained it all out much worse than before I lay in the middle of the street a car could’ve ran over me I’m lucky it’s early in the morning and no neighbor sees I’m lucky I wasn’t killed in a crash or caught by a cop under the influence I’m screaming tears God, this fucking pain I’m lucky, I’m lucky that my burger and fries, they’re still in the seat next to me the grease helps me cry and no one will see that if I throw up a few more times and drool out of my mouth lay alone in the back until I get some sleep what’s wrong with me what’s wrong with me what’s wrong with me what’s wrong with me....

a runner’s tapping my window are you okay passed out, late night drive lie what could I say thank the lord my car started my head back on the wheel take a deep breath wonder what’s wrong with me it’s Sunday shit’s due at midnight and I need more sleep I need you awake Luke fortunately, I am missed your call, what’s up well, I’m feeling a little off well, you know I’m always here so, what do you need applying for college mom and dad are worrying me they’re acting too serious but I know they want the best for me but, I’m not like you Luke I have a couple C’s you can’t compare yourself to me Ryan, all you can do is your best you have to be yourself but Luke, they expect me to follow you A’s and B’s in classes trying things that are new getting myself out there all the things you do all the things you do all the things that you do I can’t hold back the tears I’m such a fucking fraud hold my phone from my face I’m crying into my shirt still with puke stains by my neckline what if I gave a shit try see someone sober and not piss away all our parents worked for Luke, you still there I’m here Ryan if it looks like I know what I’m doing like everyone, I’m just lying I’m just lying

I sat back in my bed wrote out what’s in my head what could I do today to redeem all my yesterdays hey Danny, look, I was a dick I’d love to talk through all of it yeah Luke, I’m free now see you at the coffeehouse you don’t know how sorry I am about everything, everything I’ve done to you Danny this is all on me, this was never about you Luke, you know that it’s alright we all go through shit besides, I’m stubborn and selfish and there’s no need to hold a grudge since we’re sitting here right now, talking it out what more could I say when I need to start that I’m a dishonest son a terrible friend and a shitty brother never once acted like a man couldn’t even tell you who I am would you mind if I ask Jane to join left things pretty tense last time we talked, need to make amends I know these things, they will take time the time I’m willing to take can’t stand it now need to let it out so, I’m starting here right now, right here what’s more than all I can say I need to start I need to start I need to start I need to start