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Denise

by Nicholas Chakinis

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1.
What Every Father Wants 01:21
lyrics
her father always believed in her paintings when she was young, he hung them on the fridge & always showed his friends he was her guy taking her to art museums, being her shoulder to cry on, you name it he was it for her she does miss him so although it’s been a couple years, he does enter her mind every day. she does still paint, after all she’s in New York. yet, it’s been less and less. ever since she met Anthony, her dreams became simple. showered in constant gifts & talks of life-long commitment, her paintings gathered dust as thoughts of stability & having everything she could ever want take hold. it wasn’t long after her father passed that they met. I guess that’s what every father wants for his daughter. she used to wish her father met Anthony. well dressed, well-spoken, confident. she doesn’t wish that anymore. she’s glad her father never met him.
2.
The Way You Look Away 03:58
lyrics
when you turn your face I wonder what you’re thinking when you turn your face my heart starts sinking what did you say I couldn’t hear what you said what did you say I couldn’t hear what you said the way you look away the expression of your face the way you look away the lack of words to say what do you mean when you say she makes you laugh what do you mean when you say you’re not coming back what did you say I couldn’t hear what you said what did you say I couldn’t hear what you said the way you look away the expression of your face the way you look away the lack of words to say
3.
When Time Stops 01:17
lyrics
just like that time had stopped as goose bumps covered her skin, she just sat there cold & motionless, not being able to remember what she was eating, even with her food right in-front of her that was their restaurant in Little Italy that was where they went on their first date, where she spilled wine on Anthony’s clothes after they finished a night of laughter, the rain had stopped from earlier that day they walked out of the restaurant & to get back at her, Anthony jumped in a puddle right next to her they laughed & then kissed for the first time her head felt a rush of all those memories, all the flowers, the bracelet that he bought for her that she was wearing right then & there she didn’t know what to do what did this mean what just happened with a face as white as a ghost she felt sick Anthony was saying more words but she couldn’t hear. she looked at his face & suddenly an anger came over her. she just had to get out of there.
4.
I Don't Know Why I Loved You 03:29
lyrics
I ran out the room maybe it was the wrong thing to do spilled wine on your shirt I just couldn’t feel the Earth I have to turn away what do these memories say always in my head while you lied in bed around another’s arms my full heart your empty hands how did we even stand cause I don’t know why I loved you I don’t know why I loved you I don’t know why I loved you everything you said lies I should’ve read you were “busy” all the time covering up your crimes I have to turn away what do these memories say always in my head while you lied in bed around another’s arms my full heart your empty hands how did we even stand cause I don’t know why I loved you I don’t know why I loved you I don’t know why I loved you I don’t know why I loved you I don’t know why I loved you I don’t know why I loved you
5.
Dead Flowers 00:57
lyrics
she opened the door so loud that the apartment next to her banged on the wall she didn’t care out of the corner of her eye, she caught the flowers Anthony gave her a week ago dead, like their love, she threw the vase at the wall & now her neighbor yelled at her to be quiet suddenly all her rage faded & she was quietly worn out all by herself she didn’t finish her dinner she thought then she just started to cry as bright as Manhattan is at night with all the lights, it’s still covered in a sea of darkness. what was she to do now what do you do when everything you had with someone comes crashing down you go down with it
6.
End Of Love In Manhattan 04:20
lyrics
sleeping with fragrance ads morning marbarlo lights maxed out credit cards what more to say it’s the end of love it’s the end of love it could be a sunny day I’d rather see a window shade no words are left to say I said them all it’s the end of love it’s the end of love why does it hurt this ocean in-between why does it hurt this ocean in-between me can’t move at all the thoughts in my head I expected something such a fool it’s the end of love it’s the end of love the city can’t distract the pain nothing I can grab what I want I can’t have I can’t it’s the end of love it’s the end of love why does it hurt this ocean in-between why does it hurt this ocean in-between me
7.
Vacant Stares & Silence 01:14
lyrics
her friend Angela was worried about her the opening of the apartment door was met with that unforgettable smell of nicotine walking to the bedroom, Angela passed countless buds & empty bottles until she reached a pale figure sleeping in a dress worn a week ago everything was a blur “the ceiling won’t change no matter how many days you spent starring at it,” Angela said the will to move or put on fresh clothes seemed impossible & the thought of finding relief in painting was a joke “I’ll leave the number on the desk; please give him a call” the apartment door closed as Angela walked out still lying in bed lying where her & Anthony spent countless nights imagining their future home & what their future family would look like what does she have now with only vacant stares & silence she looks at her bracelet, still without the strength to take it off finally getting out of bed she picks up the phone
8.
You, Your Notepad & Me 04:35
lyrics
sitting still in a chair only silence fills the air you ask me why I’m here if only the answer was clear my father died 2 years ago soon we met, at a show looked forward to each day if only it stayed that way I’ll just talk in this chair like no one is there as you write things down about me am I depressed an infinite jest you, your note pad & me why couldn’t he only love me only wanted me like a morning coffee my head can’t understand why what was true under his lies Eden has certainly changed gone are the flowers & the state of grace cast out on my own will I survive, I don’t know I’ll just talk in this chair like no one is there as you write things down about me am I depressed an infinite jest you, your note pad & me can I change, can I let go can I change, can I let go can I change, can I let go I’ll just talk in this chair like no one is there as you write things down about me am I depressed an infinite jest you, your note pad, & me
9.
Central Park 01:10
lyrics
the sessions were helping eventually, she reached a point where she even stopped crying I guess every time you cry it eventually goes not only the tears, but the alcohol wasn’t drowning her bloodstream she was feeling better, even though the cigarettes weren’t kicked besides coming to terms with Anthony & even her father still, she was thinking about herself what did she believe now that her faith in married life with children wasn’t around the corner no home in the suburbs, no waiting till Anthony came home from work did she want those things the more sessions she went to, the more she felt like Anthony was putting her in a mold she couldn’t perfectly fit into maybe there’s more to life than what she believed there to be she started walking Central Park at some point each day everything there was so beautiful, even as the seasons changed she wanted to paint it all
10.
All These Things 04:02
lyrics
I see them walking side by side holding hands, misty eyes the thought of her thinking of him I wonder what it might have been an older couple in the park reading separate till it’s dark not one needs to even say how happy they are this way what does it all mean all these things I see what does it all mean all these things I see out my window late one night just married, another fight yet they keep going on each day making it work despite the pain here I sit, only me thinking of all the things I’ve seen is this how I want to live how do I want to live what does it all mean all these things I see what does it all mean all these things I see I don’t want to be this way every tomorrow I don’t want to be this way every tomorrow I don’t want to be this way every tomorrow I don’t want to be this way here I sit, only me thinking of all the things I’ve seen is this how I want to live how do I want to live
11.
A Night For Herself 01:14
lyrics
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she started painting again the more she painted, the more she wondered why she never painted more free from attachment she rediscovered her passion she was focused & for the first time in a while, she felt really good about herself she started thinking, maybe she can make this into something more than what it’s always been her father always thought she should’ve done that she remembers starring at a Paula Rego painting the last time she & her father went to the art museum starring at the painting side by side, her father turned to her and told her, “you can be just like Paula” later in the gift shop, he bought her a cheap art museum bracelet putting on her best dress, she took off the bracelet Anthony gave her & found that one her father gave her many years ago she decided she needed a night for herself knowing exactly where to go she headed out it was still her favorite Italian restaurant in the entire city
12.
This Was The Place 05:35
lyrics
driving in my car I hear that Joni Mitchell song the one we would sing as you drove me in your car who’s in that passenger seat I wonder what’s her name do you sing songs with her songs like we would sing I pull up to the place this was our spot now I’m alone dressed up for an evening this was the place we came apart about to walk in the door suddenly I see you’re with her at a table our table near the street I quickly rush to hide against the building side I reach for a cigarette I don’t know what to do I think of what happened I think of what I’ve seen I think of my father I think of me this was the place we came apart this was the place we came apart I’m done with the cigarettes put it out with my shoe I’m done with the sadness I’m letting go of you walk in the door sit down at the bar I know you see me but I don’t look at you a man buys me a drink can you see me laughing look at what’s gone it’s gone for good this was the place we came apart this was the place we came apart this was the place we came apart
13.
Nothing But A Grin 00:54
lyrics
as she finished her drink, she decided to walk up to Anthony & his girl to say hello there he sat, trying to hold back any sign of regret as she briefly said a few words. then she left. she walked out of that restaurant with nothing but a grin on her face she could’ve called him out, in front of his girl, the entire restaurant; he could’ve been exposed & it would have felt so good but that isn’t her life. getting back at Anthony does no good to her she made up a story that they worked together & hoped they both had a wonderful rest of their evening she figured that one last image of her, in a beautiful dress, without the bracelet he spent a fortune on, would burn in his mind forever.
14.
You Won't Forget Me (But I'll Forget You) 03:18
lyrics
you won’t forget me but I’ll forget you when you’re alone in your bed & no one is there for you you’ll dream my familiar face as ageless as can be then you’ll awake & I’ll be gone like the breeze you won’t forget me but I’ll forget you when you’re with another woman you’re always gonna lose because of something she has that reminds you of me everything you miss comes rushing in your grief I know why, you see you’ll hide away all those feelings for me so you won’t forget me but I’ll forget you you won’t forget me but I’ll forget you misery is all you’ll hear you better believe it’s true don’t come calling & say how much I mean to you but I know you will I know you’re a fool I know why, you see you’ll hide away all those feelings for me so you won’t forget me but I’ll forget you my oh my how things have changed never thought I’d be feeling this way can’t you see this for what it is but boys don’t cry right boys don’t cry boys don’t cry boys don’t cry you won’t forget me but I’ll forget you when you’re alone in your bed & no one is there for you you’ll dream my familiar face as ageless as can be & then you’ll awake & I’ll be gone, like the breeze I know why, you see you’ll hide away all those feelings for me so you won’t forget me so you won’t forget me you won’t forget me but I’ll forget you
15.
One Last Letter 00:48
lyrics
time has passed & her life is moving, literally she decided she needed a change of scenery something with warm weather, space, & inspiration to paint like her father always wanted, she applied to a few schools this was her time she knew he would want her back judging by the amount of voice mails he leaves her, he must be desperate it doesn’t matter what he could say now it’s over; but, she does pity him she’ll set it straight. she’ll write him one last letter
16.
Before I Go 03:13
lyrics
I decided to go I’m moving out I’m done with the city I’m done with the clouds so before I go I want to say fare thee well & tell you you missed out you’re a piece of shit for cheating on me your time is done it’s over you see there were good times then you ruined the taste now I’m living & counting down the days so before I go I want to say fare thee well & tell you you missed out watch me leave this place never forget my face while I have so much to do you’ll just be singing the blues before I go I want to say fare thee well & tell you you missed out so before I go I want to say fare thee well & tell you you missed out
17.
Ready To Go 01:11
lyrics
she did it she got accepted into the arts program at the University of Phoenix it was finally happening she was finally living her life it was hard saying goodbye to Angela & other friends; but, she knew she would visit one day if only her father could’ve seen her now she likes to think he’s always watching over her up there as she loaded the last box into her car, she took one last look at Manhattan It was spring & the sun now regularly came out after a cold winter this was it this city has it all people always say if you can make it here, you can make it anywhere Maybe for some but for her, she believes it’s if you can find yourself, you can go anywhere she finally started the car ready to go
18.
Phoenix Is Where 03:32
lyrics
I knew someday that I’d find you it’d be the right time it’d finally be the time there’d be no words to say capture these eyes & bring these dreams to life Phoenix is where the sun will meet you over the red mountain sides. Phoenix is where the stars will keep you away from all the dangers of the night I’ll drive into town in the morning the sun will be shining bright nothing will stop the light I’ll sit down at a café watching people go on their way forever I’ll want to stay I know right there, there’s nowhere I’d rather be I know right there, there’s nowhere I’d rather be Phoenix is where the sun will meet you over the red mountain sides Phoenix is where the stars will keep you away from all the dangers of the night
19.
Epilogue 01:20
lyrics
she just reached the Texas border still a long way to go she thought though she can’t predict what lies ahead, she hopes for the best with her painting maybe she will be an artist maybe she won’t; but, she has to try she’d never forgive herself if she didn’t it had been a difficult year going through the break up, but look at her now look where she’s headed she didn’t decide to swear off finding someone anything can happen this time she wasn’t going to force what shouldn’t be it may happen it may not either way, she’s going to do what she loves she smiled as she looked at the bracelet her father gave her from the art museum gift shop she was doing what her father always wanted; but, it wasn’t for her father it was for herself that’s what every father wants, a daughter that believes in herself
20.
Maybe 03:49
lyrics
driving to Phoenix the desert waits for my sight 15 more hours it will be alright start to think about what happen to me I’ve seen changes the seasons, the colors of the trees maybe romance is dead maybe one day it’ll come alive when my time comes, I can always say I lived before I died perhaps my life doesn’t read like a book I’d wanna read bad things have happened & they have happened to me but still I go this is all I can do for life is worth living this is all one should do maybe romance is dead maybe one day it’ll come alive when my time comes I can always say I lived before I died maybe romance is dead maybe one day it’ll come alive when my time comes I can always say I lived before I died

about

Denise is the story of a young adult realizing and pursuing their passion.

100% of all download proceeds will be donated to St. Jude.

*excluding Bandcamp revenue sharing percentage, Bandcamp payment processing fee & any PayPal related fees*

credits

released January 1, 2018

Singer: Megan Kaluzny
Recording Engineer/Producer: Declan Kennedy
Album Cover: Margo Chakinis
Instrumentation: Nicholas Chakinis
Narration: Nicholas Chakinis

"Denise" words and music by Nicholas Chakinis
© 2017 Chakinis ASCAP

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Nicholas Chakinis San Diego, California

Making music that you might enjoy, find comfort in & be inspired by because I believe the music you listen to matters, you matter & we all matter.

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