1. |
Forbidden Fruit
03:59
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after my 8th grade graduation
my grandpa firmly shook my hand
in a boy’s Brooks Brothers blazer
I guess I’m now a man
I’ve had perfectly prim posture
since a little boy in Sunday school
yes, I’m the son of Adam
and I’ve broken any of his rules
I get in all the pictures
I pull all my buddies close
our bodies are only skin and bones
but their soft hair and strong arms
no, no one can ever hear the beating of your hyper heart
I guess even then, I knew deep down, I wasn’t who I thought I was
we’re driving to a concert in Monterrey
passing unpaved streets where the niños play
I see statues of soldiers, blue-collar bars
graffitied walls, used 90’s cars
this mission trip has come to an end
back to school tomorrow, fly out at 10am
still gunshots every night, little money in the bank
what did we do, what difference did this make
I then look at my peers, I look in their eyes
packed in the back of this taxi, there’s nowhere to hide
we’re just bodies, we’re nothing but skin and bones
oh, but Jamie starts quoting Oscar Wilde and Thoreau
Michael’s nice and tight in his eclectic clothes
and Tyler’s got that sun dried hair and sun-kissed skin
there’s Patrick biting into a juicy peach
and Nancy looks so skinny she must never eat
it’s all forbidden fruit and it’s much too sweet
and then there’s me
I’m nothing to see
there’s me, I’m seemingly ordinary
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2. |
Men & Morrissey
04:19
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Morrissey’s up on stage singing
I’ve come here to have a good time
I’m a stranger in a strange land
who’s always been too shy
and even though no one speaks English
everyone’s singing all his words
and when you hear his music
you feel young and alive
is that Patrick kissing some guy
I don’t know why I’m acting so surprised
I guess I can’t believe my eyes
and I just don’t know why
why do I see all these strong men cry
reaching their arms towards the heavenly sky
God, I have no reason to hide
the bullfight dies / and there is a light
Monterrey, Mexico March 29th
with the masculinity of a man-handling matador
flowers thrown at his feet
all trying to kiss the king
crying for a cure
forbidden fruit
as I’m about to board the plane
my father texts me “hope you had a great time, fly back safe”
I feel ashamed
when Patrick sees my face change
he sits next to me and he asks me “Elliot, are you okay?”
I don’t really know what to say
last night, I felt something I can’t explain
it’s like the way I look at things may never be the same
I was moved in such a different way
but it’s something that I’ve always known
a feeling, a feeling that’s never gone away
Patrick grabs my face and tells me “you are okay”
he kisses me cheek, shares an earbud as we fly away
I feel safe
I’m not ashamed
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3. |
Anima & Animus
04:17
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Patrick I’m not really sure where to begin
I don’t really think anything will help me understand what’s within
you tell me that I’m okay
you don’t know me; how can I trust you
I guess I’ll try it your way
what am I so afraid to lose
I’ll listen, read and watch all that you give
and let all these things get under my skin
you tell me how I feel, how we feel, is never a sin
all these things will help me believe that there’s no such thing as a sin
I’ve been placed in this prism of my father’s perspective
it’s a god damn, pure confusion leaving my head full of sound
no shit I’m confused
the so-called laws of nature don’t feel natural to me
they make me feel like something’s wrong with me
that my feelings don’t exist, they’re not meant to be
but then I hear Tyler The Creator
Perfume Genius, REM
more Morrissey and Arcade Fire
with Patrick and all of my friends
I read F Scott Fitzgerald, Call Me By Your Name
Carl Jung and Yuval
they tell me it’s okay
that it’s okay to feel any way
baby hold on
it’s time for a change
your heart’s been on the run
and this world can feel strange
slow down your breathing
rest your hand in mine
there’s no judgement nor pressure
let the old ways die
for love is being connected
liberated from the obsession
that the shame and the fear you’re feeling
it must be there to tell you when something is wrong
if you believe you’re wrong and you don’t deny it
you don’t try to change it, you don’t try to fight it
you’ll rip out all your heart’s excitement
it’s such a waste for you to one day feel nothing at all
don’t do it answer the call
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4. |
Elliot's Unconscious
06:54
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it must’ve started with Macaulay Culkin and Anna Chlumsky
I had a childhood crush on them both
for they felt like the same to me
my brother had his G.I. Joe
my sister’s blonde Barbie which one to choose
it made no difference to me
now I’ve got some strong black coffee and sweet cherry pie
writing down everything I see in-front of my eyes
I see sensitive skin
blueberry bluets
Slytherin socks
Red Apple cigarettes
those Eckleburg eyes
ripe, green grapes
there’s so many colors, sizes and shapes
there’s a bitable body
a man out of time
a girl who hates her father
a boy who’s never cried
there’s tall and graceful
drunk and a mess
I don’t think that I’m making any progress
but there’s a good-looking guy
with a happy frame of mind
a childlike joy
who’s unafraid to die
with fruity gum
and lovely little lips
I wonder what they’d feel like to kiss
Patrick, can you tell me what this all means
it seems like it’s all random shit to me
you say, “Elliot, only you can really know what it all means”
it could be something or nothing or everything in-between
it’s just not that simple
and it takes time to see
I’ve been looking around
I’m bent out of shape
and I don’t know if I’m willing to wait
I write it down
what’s going on
I let it out
there’s no response
I want an answer
I don’t need another clue
what can I do
keep looking around stay in shape
one day I’ll know
if I’m willing to wait
write it down
what’s going on
let it out
then I respond
pressures to conform or deny instincts create splits
between your outer demands and your inner needs
they say you don’t need one answer
keep looking for another clue
for it’s all you can do
because they say there’s no one answer
there’s multiple ways to find out what’s true
we all have many different views
we all contain multitudes
there’s a bitable body
a man out of time
a girl who hates her father
a boy who’s never cried
but there’s a good-looking guy
with a happy frame of mind
a childlike joy
who’s unafraid to die
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5. |
Sit Pretty
06:39
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now, it’s time for another date
put yourself together
and don’t be late
put on your pressed, Perry Ellis Portfolio Pants
hide those thick thighs
and give anyone an honest chance
go see who you like
listen to what they say
don’t worry about your soft hair
one day it’ll harden and grey
do they make you laugh
are they honest or do they lie
ask them what do they want to do before they die
sit pretty
give them enough time don’t worry
just look in their eyes
first was the man with the mustache
then a Laura Palmer lookalike who ordered a spiked Arnold Palmer
a young, freckled farm girl
a boy who’s been badly burned
a sorry sack of shit
a know-it-all who couldn’t take a hint
someone silly and selfish
someone turbulent but tender
a traveler who talks of a place but really has never been there
sit pretty
give them enough time don’t worry
just look in their eyes
sit pretty
slow down and take your time don’t worry
trust your heart and your mind
wait for what you want
you’ll know it when you feel it
because it’s better than what you think you’ll want
for your heart and your body is only given to you once,
so mirror mirror on the wall, who’s the brightest of them all
gather your rosebuds while you may, old time is still a-flying; and this same flower that smiles today, tomorrow will be dying
I don’t know what I want
I don’t know if I’ll ever
I don’t know what I want
I don’t know if I’ll ever
all these pieces I’ve picked up may not fit together this picture of my life may never come together
the glorious lamp of heaven, the sun, the higher he’s a getting
the sooner will his race be run and nearer he’s to setting
I need a coffee
but I really want a drink
I need to take a break
and take some time to think
I don’t know why I’m so hard on myself
I can’t fight it
I want to hold someone, someone besides myself
I like this
I don’t like that
that really turns me on
that makes me want to take a step back
I’m just a self-conscious, seemingly straight
white male who’s still going on dates
that age is best which is the first, when youth and blood are warmer
but being spent, the worse, and worst, times still succeed the former
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6. |
Adam's Elijah Apple
02:55
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I’m at peace because I know where I’m going
I’ve watched my little Elijah keep growing
into the man he’s been called to be
we know that we are part of God’s chosen family
and we’ve got a legacy to leave
I came to surprise him today
to celebrate all his hard work, his crusade
and I hope he does have the time
the time to spend with his old man tonight
I’m so proud of my little God-fearing guy
oh my God
is that him
sitting in the back of this coffeeshop
who’s he with
is that another guy
are they holding hands
oh my
what the hell did I just see
maybe it wasn’t him
there’s no way it could be I’ll go to his place
I’ll see his face
what’s going on
this is all wrong
that’s not my son
something must be off
that’s not my son
this is all wrong
I’m driving home from another date
thank God it didn’t go too late
there’s this party Patrick’s taking me to
he’s friends with someone I might be into
I need a quick cat nap
more coffee and a shower
I think I’ve got a couple hours
don’t overthink, play it cool
don’t act like a fool
is that my father
in his car
in-front of my house
what’s he doing here
what’s this all about
shit
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7. |
A Rebellious Son
05:14
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Dad, what a surprise
I didn’t expect to see you until summertime
is everything okay
what’s going on
what’s with all these questions
of course, I’m still your son
you say that you don’t know who I am anymore
you say you don’t know who I am
Elijah, I saw you holding hands
in that coffee shop with another man
and I don’t know why you’d be holding hands
unless now my son is some kind of fag
don’t try to hide it
God always knows when you lie
don’t you dare make excuses
you can’t change my mind
you better cut this shit out
or I’ll throw you to the curbside
where there’s no more college
and no more healthcare
and no chance of a prayer
oh my god
what do I do
now I have to have dinner with him
what can I do
wipe off my tears
go get dressed
there’s still be time for Patrick’s party
just go get dressed
how can this happen
how did he see
and why does he have this fucking grip on me
God’s grip on me
if someone has a stubborn and rebellious son
who does not obey his father and mother
and will not listen to them when they discipline him
his father and mother shall take hold of him
and bring him to the elders at the gate of his town
they shall say to the elders, they shall say to the elders
“this son of ours is stubborn and rebellious,
he will not obey us, he is a glutton and a drunkard,”
then all the men of his town are to stone him to death
you must purge the evil from among you
all Israel will hear of it and be afraid
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8. |
Neverland
05:56
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I’m back from dinner
what can I say
I never wanted it to be this way
the house that my grandfather built
wasn’t built on the shinning city upon a hill
the times, oh they may change
but there are those who don’t want to know
to know that anything other than what they know
shows them that they don’t really know
and since we’re here and then we go
they’re afraid and they need control
well, go ahead be afraid and be controlled
but don’t you dare tell me I should save my soul
I accept that I don’t know
I don’t want to lie
Patrick’s coming
he’s 10 minutes away
I can cry all night
or make my father pay
go get drunk
make out with a pretty boy
do anything I can to feel
some life, some joy
the times, oh they have changed
I’m not one of those who don’t want to know
I want to know more
more than what I know
I know I don’t know
as a cover of Kiss Me Alot starts to play
I make eyes with Patrick’s friend
I don’t want this feeling to end
I want to live before I’m dead
a knight in shining armor
cloudy secondhand smoke
in a basement full of bodies
a drugstore Romeo
two lost little lambs
mouthwatering lips
so sexy and sheepish
starting with a single pomegranate kiss
is bliss then, such an abyss
a blue-eyed Boston boy
a big baseball butt
bananas, Bunny Bread
he’s something you just want to touch
so much sexual shame
missing muscle memory
and it’s all just something closer
to a more personal pornography
possible pictures being posted
a fearful God above
losing everything you love
for something less than love
it’s Peter Pan Peanut Butter
just a means to an end
two little, lost boys
who end up leaving Neverland
who will go on living
living limited lifespans
a person’s rightful due is to be treated as an object of love
not as an object for you
it’s going to be a long walk home
what have I done
why did this go wrong
I made the man I made out with cry why
why
why
why
I don’t know why
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9. |
Snow White
04:56
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I made a wish
I took a bite
I made a wish
I took a bite
I guess I am some Snow White
Elijah, do you remember
Proverbs chapter 7, verse 2
“keep my commands and you will live
guard my teachings as the apple of your eye”
all that I’ve done for you
now what do I see
someone I don’t even know
something that just disgusts me
this is your final warning
this is the last time
you either come home this summer my son
or you’re no son of mine
this is your final warning
this is the last time
you either come home this summer my son
or you’re no son of mine
it’s come to a head
this is the end
it’s come to a head
this is the end
do what he says
don’t get upset
do what he says
just don’t get upset
I know what I want
but he doesn’t care
I know what I want
but I guess God doesn’t care
it doesn’t make sense
why it’s an offense
it doesn’t make sense
why I’m such an offense
all the music
all the movies
all the books
all that Patrick’s given to me
all the words that I wrote
all these feelings that I’ve felt
I thought I’d feel free
and now my father
my own father
doesn’t want to accept me
why understand something I’ll never understand
why understand something I’ll never understand
why understand something I’ll never understand
a boy or a girl
a woman or a man
I am who I am
I am who I am
what difference does it make
I am who I am
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10. |
I Am Who I Am
06:08
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Elliot, would you open the door
you left without saying goodbye
so, how’d it go with David
isn’t he such a good-looking guy
what’s happen to your place
with all these scattered, ripped out, notebook pages
oh Elliot, are you okay
my father now sees me for who I am
and I guess I’m not who he wants to see
Patrick, I am who I am
I can’t force myself to be
who he wants me to be
give me a hug
it’s okay, you can cry
I’m here for you
and it’s going to be alright
you don’t deserve this
you’re not his lies
Elliot, look in my eyes
you’re beautiful
and there is a light
in a desert land he found him
in a barren and howling waste
he shielded him and cared for him
he guarded him as the apple of his eye
now it’s almost summer
now it’s almost time
time to face his lies
Patrick’s helped me
and I’m feeling good
I know what I know
and I know what I don’t
I know that I may never clearly understand
determine one single answer for “who I am”
and it’s okay if I may never fully understand
there’s no one single answer
I know that I’m more
I that know I’m more than just a man
I want a bitable body
I’m not a man out of time
I’m a girl who hates her father
I’m a boy who’s cried and cried
I’ve always been attracted to a good-looking guy
with a happy frame of mind
and a childlike joy
unafraid, unafraid to die
all my life, all my life
Macaulay Culkin, Anna Chlumsky
G.I. Joe, blond Barbie
I’ve always been told
I’ve been told who I am
but I’ve never been asked
who do I want to be
Patrick’s helped me
and I’m feeling good
I know what I know
and I know what I don’t
now it’s almost summer
now it’s almost time
time to face his lies
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11. |
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I’m back home for the summer
and my father’s fast asleep
the soft southern wind is blowing
through my grandfather’s old, apple tree
all I can do is stand tall
and all I can do is tell the truth
I can’t control what he’ll do or he’ll say
I can just try to change his mind and want me to stay
all I can do is stand tall
and all I can do is tell the truth
I can’t control what he’ll do or he’ll say
I can just try to change his mind and want me to stay
pressures to conform or deny instincts create splits
between your outer demands and your inner needs
I’m dreaming of the house that my grandfather built
my father’s bed beneath a crucifix
The Platter’s singing My Prayer
the bomb, a purple heart
a rocking chair, The Book of Psalms
a little Adam who just misses his mom
he’s in her closet and in her clothes brushing his hair
it’s Norman Rockwell’s nightmare
what do you think you’re doing son
Adam, you’re not some kind of girl
that’s right, boy, you’d better run
God didn’t bring me no fucking girl into this world
a kicked down bedroom door
a body belted like a prisoner of war
there’s no place for him to hide
there’s no more tears to cry
the bullfighter’s alive / there is no light
so Jesus called them over to him
and began to speak to them in parables
how can Satan drive out Satan
if a kingdom is divided against itself
that kingdom cannot stand
if a house is divided against itself
that house cannot stand
and if Satan opposes himself and is divided, he cannot stand
his end has come, in fact
no one can enter a strong man’s house
without first tying him up
then he can plunder the strong man’s house
truly I tell you, people can be forgiven
all their sins and every slander they utter
but whoever blasphemes against the Holy Spirit
will never be forgiven
they are guilty of an eternal sin
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12. |
It's Not Your Fault
04:33
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I wake up to the sound of my father downstairs
making bacon and eggs
the time has come
it’s today
so, did you come home my son
Adam, I need to talk to you
what more can I say
you have to hear what I have to say
I don’t, I don’t know a lot
but what I do, what I do know is that
it’s not your fault
Elijah, what are you trying to say
I’m trying to say that you and I are the same
oh Elijah, son, I’m not some gay
that’s not the point dad
we’re both afraid
we’re afraid, we’re afraid of our father’s fucking face
trying to beat out anything standing in the way
in the way of making sure we’re saved
so, we’re not cast astray
by some God on some judgement day
you know, I don’t want to be afraid
and I think deep down you want to change
Adam, you can change
it just doesn’t have to be this way
Elijah, stop it, don’t you push me this way
no, dad, dad this is what I need to say
you keep it up, you keep it up and that’s it, that’s it, okay
go ahead, hit me, kick me out if I’m such a fucking disgrace
I don’t know what my grandfather did to you
if he abused you, bruised you, confused you or used you
dad, you’re not him
don’t be
it’s not your fault you see
it’s not your fault
it’s not your fault
it’s not your fault
dad it’s just not, it’s not your fault
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13. |
You Are You
04:26
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my father leaves for work
while I stay at home
I start reading another book
trying to learn something I may never fully know
I really don’t know what it was
that made my father come to
come to realize that he and I
we don’t have such a different point of view
we exist
and it’s true that if I am here as I am
if I’m not a woman, if I’m not a man
if I’m someone I’ll never fully understand
it’s enough that, that I exist just as I am
so, I’ll walk outside to my grandfather’s old apple tree
I’ll pick an apple, I’ll take a bite
and nothing will happen to me
it’s as natural as the air I breathe in
because I am here right where I am
there’s no Garden of Eden, there’s no God’s command
I’m someone who isn’t either good or bad
and I’ve come to understand
that because I am as I am
how I feel, how I interact
as someone I may never fully understand
it’s enough that, that I exist as I am
for these stories we’ve been told
they’ve gone too far
you are who you are
and you are
you are who you want to be
and you are what you want to believe
and you are who you want to see
you’re everything and everything in-between
and you are who you want to be
and you are what you want to believe
and you are who you want to see
you’re everything and everything in-between
and you are who you want to be
and you are what you want to believe
and you are who you want to see
you’re everything and everything in-between
and you are who you want to be
and you are what you want to believe
and you are who you want to see
you’re everything and everything in-between
and you are who you want to be
and you are what you want to believe
and you are who you want
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Nicholas Chakinis San Diego, California
Making music that you might enjoy, find comfort in & be inspired by because I believe the music you listen to matters, you matter & we all matter.
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